A Hard Decision

I want to start this post by saying that yes, this is sort of about me, about us and about her. We are all a party here. Also, in case you are wondering why I am putting this here, it is a sort of therapy. I have journaled for years and my blog has sort of become that space for me. Also, when we were walking the road toward IA but had not signed on the dotted line, I spent HOURS, I mean HOURS looking at blogs and website of folks who had adopted. I wanted to know if it is just a journey on the Love Train or is the Heartbreak Hotel on our itinerary. I guess you can figure out the answer to that.

So....here's more on the "little star" that has crossed our paths:

Thursday was a rush of internet research, discussions with Nathan, discussions with CHI, and discussions with one of the pediatric doctors and Vanderbilt's International Adoption Clinic. All I can say is to those who say this is a gimmick or VUMC's opportunity at a sure fire money maker - you're probably right - but thank God for those folks. Seriously.

By the end of the day on Thursday, well, around 3:00, Nathan and I had decided that due to a couple of questions that were lingering around this little one's diagnosis and our certainty that we were not equipped to deal with one of the medical possibilities that she may be facing long term, we decided to turn down this referral. I actually think this is the first time that Nathan was as upset as me in regards to this adoption. This is a good thing. So, I called CHI and spoke with Tina and she gave me the chance to ask more questions. I did not think this was possible due to the time restrictions we now have on reviewing these Waiting Children files.

She said, "we can try." And, she did. And, she and the Beijing office came through. They are really dedicated to placing these Special Needs or Waiting Children. It is really amazing. So, on Friday morning, we called the IA clinic and after lunch spoke with the doctor. The prognosis is good. We can't be certain. Here is why it sounds good, here is why we can't be sure. Here are the possibilities. While on the phone with her, I checked my email looking for responses from families who had adopted children with this SN. After our conference call I called one of the families and had a great conversation with her regarding her children and the joys and challenges that are in their lives.

But, when it was all said and done, there was one aspect of medical care that we just did not think we could overcome. I think on Friday morning I was sort of ashamed of this. Here Great Spirit is handing us a beautiful, bright child on a platter and there is this one thing that we can't get past. No, it isn't cosmetic, that we can deal with. This is medical and could pose serious issues in the future depending on the severity. Are we the family that can deal with possible medical intervention in the home? We had to be painfully realistic and search our hearts. No. This little star would be better in a home with another family. And, trust me, another family will adopt her in a heart beat.

When we began this journey, we thought it would be so simple. Well....I don't know if that's true. I know nothing in my life has ever been simple or sure so I probably didn't think that about adoption. I am thankful that we have allowed our path to widen to include a Waiting Child. I know we are forever changed through this process.

Today, I have all of these children in my hearts and on my mind. Our agency is sitting on around 75 kids that are part of a shared list of children. These kids range from infant to 14 or so and are just waiting for a family. Many are older and pray that a family will come for them. They long for a home and a Mother and Father. There are those who are against adoption and really against international adoption. Those folks haven't seen the children. I feel certain that the children with special needs and the older children are there only for political or socio-economic reasons. They were not stolen or sold. There are just too many.

So, we wait. There will be more files and more children. To be honest, I knew. I knew when I first looked at her - before reading anything medical or knowing really the possibilities -- just from her picture that she wasn't ours. Wasn't mine. There are families who say that adoption isn't always love at first site. But there are more that knew from the first moment of seeing their children's faces. And, these are often families who have chosen a child from the WC program. There have been other kids that we have seen photos of and said - she could be part of us. I know that another family will look at this little one and say -yep, she's ours.

So....we are keeping on keeping on. Hope you do too.

Namaste.

We Got the Call

On Thursday "we got the call." In International Adoption, this phrase is a big deal. Well....it's a big deal to us. I had just rolled out of bed and was coughing horribly as I am getting over a sinus infection. The landline was ringing and I couldn't make it there. Whoever it was hung up, so I thought it was my sister as this is her MO. Then, my cell began ringing. Okay, okay.

"Hi Dana it's Tina Qualls with CHI." Holy Cow. It's not even 8:00AM. I hand Nathan the phone due to a coughing fit. "Talk," I manage to get out.

They have a child that they have matched with our SN list and would like for us to review her file. Nathan and I are speechless and standing in the kitchen with huge smiles on our faces. I will not and cannot go into details but she is recovering from surgery to repair a fairly serious birth defect. She is beautiful and bright and the orphanage was literally gushing over her. So, yes, we will review her file.....

All I can say after all of that, is "Thank you God for giving us this opportunity."

Peace

New Special Needs Process

Well, as you know over the last 16 months Nathan and I have applied to review the files of several special needs children from our agency's waiting children list. We have yet been chosen to review those files. By chosen I mean chosen by the Universe or our agency. When we originally submitted our dossier to China we said there was absolutely no way we could accept a SN referral. We just aren't equipped for that, right? Almost immediately, however, we began looking at the lists and thought, "okay, we can do this." So, we have poured over the lists and found children that we simply fell in love with through the screen of our computers. The process has changed several times, quite drastically, in fact. It went from first to request first to review to having all of the requests thrown into a hat and one drawn out randomly to the newest format.

This new method is basically a lengthy request of the types of SN we would accept and we have been put in order by our Log In Date and as the children's files become available, we will be matched with a child. We will have the opportunity to turn down a referral but that puts us at the bottom of that list. For example, we requested as one of our SN a child who was near or far sighted. If they match us with that special need and we turn it down, then we get put at the bottom of the near sighted list. We lose our place.

To be honest, this is probably the most fair way to approach these lists though it is more difficult imagining being referred a SN child. I think that is what made it safe for us before. Being able to identify a child and choosing the child. Now, it is more like waiting for a child to be born and just praying for the best. So, that is what we are doing.

Actually, I have been quietly excited over this entire thing. There are only 30 families who have asked to be part of this new process. That is so interesting to me as there were close to 200 who were applying for these kids before. In theory, we probably have only 15 or 20 families ahead of us. We might actually be referred a child this year. The downside of all of this is this is from a Multiple Agency list. So.....in theory there are 3 or 4 agencies attempting to place these children with their families. Though there may only be 15 or 30 families ahead of us in our agency, there are that many at the others as well wanting to adopt these kids.

With all of that said, I am ready to start working on our little ones room. We've put that off now for 2 years (can you believe we started this 2 years ago?) but now I'm ready. I'll post when I pick the bedding for the room and a theme if I have one. Noah's room is a pirate room and is so cute and not over the top. I hope Arwen's room turns out as well.

Keep us in your thoughts as we continue to wait for the greatest gift of the Universe.

Go Figure

This has been a tough week. Nathan was sick over the weekend with what we think was a sinus infections. By Tuesday night I had it and by Wednesday night Noah had it. Wednesday I was blessed by a neighbor who offered to take Noah for the afternoon of swimming. I rested all afternoon and evening. Thursday, Noah was feeling fairly sick and spent the day lying around with me. We read and snuggled and watched a little TV. All was good. Today, we are both feeling better but neither are quite at 100%. I worked around the yard until I finally had to rest. I decided to lie down in my room and told Noah he has to rest in his room but he does not have to nap. I tell him that because I know that he never naps. I mean really, I could nap every day but he naps perhaps once or twice a year at this point. So....I do not go to sleep. I read while I'm resting and an hour later I hear Noah's alarm going off letting him know that the hour is up. I go in to let him know that it is okay if he gets up to play and lo and behold...he is asleep. Can you believe it? I pray daily that he will nap! I am still sick and really wanted to sleep but did not even try today. Oh well...I am able to sit and listen to my new discovery - Hay House Radio. Right now as I work I am listening to Esther and Jerry Hicks - the Law of Attraction folks and am really relaxed. So, I guess it all worked out as it should. I am still relaxed and Noah is getting the rest that he obviously needs to fully recover from this illness.

Charlotte's Web

For quite some time, CW has been a favorite of mine and Noah's. We listen to it regularly in the car and even took him to see the big screen version. A few days ago, I decided that it was not neccessary for Noah to have a large bin of toys and books in the car. He does not have to be entertained 24 hours a day and in fact I think it negatively impacts his listening skills. So, it all went. But, I neglected to take out our new copy of CW that was in a pocket on my seat back.

Being somewhat bored, Noah spotted it and pulled it out and stated, "I'm going to read all of CW to you." Okay. That's what he's been doing. Every day in the car, he reads as much as he can. It is slow going but with a couple of exceptions, he has read it with no help from me. He has gotten stuck on a couple of words, such as "replied" and "sight" but he is doing so well. I am so glad I took everything out of the car.

He loves being read to but has said he hates reading. Now, he says, "Mom, I love to read!" A good day, folks, and a good feeling.

Peace Out.

Dana

The Movies

Last night we went to see "Horton Hears A Who." It was really very good. We all loved it and had a great time. Next on our list is "Kung Fu Panda." It looks very funny. I'm not a huge Jack Black fan, but think I can tolerate him as he is in disguise as lovable panda. All of the drive ins around here will be playing it so we are taking Noah to the drive in.

You remember the drive in, don't you? I am sure it is far more sophisticated than it was when we were kids, but still fun, regardless. I'll keep you posted after we go about the movie and the experience. You can hop over to my other blog Feng Shui Mama to find out what movies (and books) that Dana - not Mommy - will be seeing and reading this summer!

Namaste.

Dana

Brisinger

I am so thrilled. I just saw at our local Books A Million that Christopher Paolini will be releasing the 3rd in the Eldest series on September 20. I am just thrilled. Did I say that already? This is a compelling book series by a young author. Paolini is now 25 but wrote the first book when only 15. I'll admit, the first one is obviously a first book and is heavily influenced by Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and possibly by the Terry Goodwin books (hopefully not). But, an amazing book nonetheless. The second book was obvious written by a more mature author getting into his own groove. So, I know this one will be great.

These are not book for 6 year olds, unfortunately. I can't wait until Noah is old enough to share these fantasy fiction books with me. I would recommend these for perhaps an 11 year old and up. Maybe a 10 year old if they are mature and have great reading comprehension.

Here is a link to the website so you can check it out for yourself: Alagaesia.

Well, happy reading to you and "may your sword stay sharp."

Dana

School....Here We Come!

Well, we did it. After months of agonizing over what is the best choice to give Noah the best environment in which to learn and grow through education, we have enrolled Noah in our local Waldorf school. You may recall that he attended preschool there two days per week prior to keeping him home for two years. He really loved it there but for many reasons we decided to keep him home, namely we felt we owed it to ourselves and to him to give homeschooling a try as we really do believe it to be an incredibly valid option for our children.

We have basically completed his kindergarten year and we had many ups and downs. All I can say is when it was good it was great and when it was bad....boy was it. Noah is incredibly gifted and empathic and also very strong willed. As his Mother, of course, I can handle it. But, we promised ourselves that if Noah was not thriving and loving it and if I was not loving it, we would enroll him in school.

Truthfully, I love educating Noah. And, that will not end (there are always Summers!) As his parents, it is our duty and our promise to always further his education in any way we can. But, Noah is so much happier when surrounded by peers and at this age he is desperately trying to establish his independence from Mom, just as it should be. I think that is the part that breaks my heart. But, never fear, I have put my stamp upon him!

I have realized this week that I want to educate him spiritually and emotionally and help him grow in those ways to be the best person he can be. It is difficult to do that when my focus is on teaching him to read. I am hopeful that by allowing someone else to educate him from 9 to 3 that he and I can focus on his spiritual training, which is something that he loves discussing. The mention of God brings tears to his eyes and he can spot a Buddha a mile away.

I am thrilled about his teacher. She is a fabulous Chinese woman who decorates her room with Chinese characters. I am told she teaches her students Chinese, though Spanish is what the school teaches officially. I really think this will be a great fit.

So, there will be new types of adventures for me to post on my blog once school starts. For now, I am anxiously awaiting summer camp to begin...................